«MY CAUCASIAN SELF»
Characters:
Sergey, a middle-aged man.
Alina, Sergey’s girlfriend.
Alik, speaks with a Caucasian accent, a voice in Sergey’s head.
Anton Pavlovich, Sergey’s director, a voice on the phone.
Sergey’s Neighbor, of strong build.
Moisha Abramovich, speaks with a Jewish accent, a voice in Sergey’s head.
The action takes place in Sergey’s one-room studio apartment.
Scene 1
Sunday, half past eight in the morning. Sergey woke up in a good mood and, quietly humming some song, cheerfully and smiling, prepared breakfast for himself. This is his first day off in the last two weeks. His director actively takes advantage of the fact that Sergey is a hardworking, responsible, and humble person. And therefore he loads him with work without any hesitation, additional pay, or extra thanks. Sergey was eating his breakfast and humming a cheerful tune under his breath, when suddenly he heard a voice:
Alik. — Brother, hello!
(Sergey stopped humming, chewing, and listened. He looked left, right, and after a couple of seconds returned to his breakfast.)
Alik. — I apologize wildly, brother, hello!
(Sergey listened again.)
Sergey. — Imagined it! (Smiled, resumed eating.)
Alik. — Brother, forgive me, I don’t want to interrupt your breakfast. Deepest apologies, but I’m here!
(Sergey choked, spat out a piece of food, cleared his throat, and jumped off his chair.)
Sergey. (Frightened.) — Who’s here? Who is it? (He started pacing sharply around the room, nervously looking around.)
Alik. — Brother, don’t worry so much. It’s me!
Sergey. (Eyes bulging with fear, cleared his throat.) — Who’s here? (He said in a thin voice.) Who’s here? (Paces the room, looks around, coughs.) Who… (Hit his chest with his fist, cleared his throat.) Who’s here? Come out! I’m calling the police! Come out quickly! (Paces the room and looks around.)
Alik. — Brother, don’t shout like that! I can’t come out, sorry, I can’t!
Sergey. — Come out! (Sharply grabbed the smartphone lying on the table.) I’m calling the police! (Nervously pokes his finger at the smartphone screen.)
Alik. — Vay, what are you doing, brother? Don’t call the police! We’ll be disgraced, concretely, brother! Stop it!
Sergey. (Stopped in the middle of the room, sharply looks around.) — I’m telling you for the last time, come out! Or…
Alik. (Interrupts Sergey.) — No need for «or,» brother! I can’t come out, I swear! I’m inside you!
Sergey. (Bulged his already frightened eyes, swallowed saliva.) — What? (Shouted.) Come out quickly! (Shouted in a hoarse, raspy voice.) Where are you? (Coughs, looks around.)
Alik. — Bless you, brother!
Sergey. (Cleared his throat.) — I didn’t sneeze, I’m just coughing! (Looks around.)
Alik. — Still, bless you, brother!
Sergey. (Calming down a bit.) — Thank you.
Alik. — You’re welcome, brother!
Sergey. — Where are you? Who are you? Come out. (Stands in the middle of the room, slowly looking around. Tries to understand where the voice is coming from. Squints. Listens.)
Alik. — I can’t come out, brother! I’d love to, but I can’t, really, sorry!
Sergey. — Why can’t you come out? Where are you? Who are you?
Alik. — I’m Alik! I’m in your head, brother! I can’t come out. I want to come out myself, but I can’t, sorry!
Sergey. (Smiles.) — What? Is this a joke? In which head? (Shakes his head in denial, smiles.) Alright, come out and leave! I won’t call anyone if you come out and leave right now! Come on, come out and goodbye! I didn’t see you, you weren’t here. Come out! (Puts the phone on the table.) Well… are you coming out or not?
Alik. — Brother, sorry if I suddenly offend you right now… but you’re probably a little stupid?! Oi! (Frightened.) Sorry, brother, not stupid, just a tiny bit foolish. Just a little bit. A little! Just a droplet!
Sergey. — What? (Surprised. Nervous smile.)
Alik. — Brother, don’t be offended at me, okay… I’m telling you, telling you, and you just shake your head back and forth, shout, you don’t hear me at all! I can’t come out or leave, okay? I’m in your head. Do you understand, brother? There’s no way I can leave, brother! Forgive me, okay? Don’t be offended at me! Alright?
Pause.
Sergey smiles, slowly examines his small apartment. He realizes there’s simply nowhere to hide here. He frowns, smiles again, gets scared, scratches his head with his hand. He doesn’t understand what’s happening at all. Thoughts in his head get tangled, pile on top of each other, interrupt each other. From fatigue and nervous exhaustion, he sits down on a chair.
Pause.
Sergey. (In a quiet, calm voice.) — I’m just tired. I had a hard week… Two weeks! I’m exhausted! My brain is tired! And therefore…
Alik. (Interrupting.) — You hear voices in your head.
Sergey. (Calmly.) — Yes. (Frightened.) What?
Alik. — Listen, brother, forgive me, but you’re scaring me! I’m telling you honestly, okay?
Sergey. (Nervously.) — What? (Hysterically.) What?
Alik. — Vay, what are you like. What? What? Do you know any other words, or not? Vay… (Reproachfully.) You’re complicated, kapets.
Sergey. (Jumped up from the chair, nervously pacing the apartment. Rubs his face with his palms, slaps himself.) — This is just a dream! Yes. I’m sleeping!
Alik. — Vay, brother, you’re psychotic! Why are you hitting yourself? That hurts! Oi, you’re nervous. Oi, mama. Why are you doing that?
Sergey. (Clutched his head with his hands.) — No, no, no. I’m not sleeping! Oh God… I’ve gone mad! (Shouted.) Aaaah…
Alik. — Brother, brother. Wow. Why are you shouting like that? Calm down. What’s wrong with you? You’ll scare the neighbors! Never mind the neighbors. You’re scaring me!
Sergey. (Hysterically.) — Enough! Get out of my head! (Hits himself on the head with his hands.) Get out, get out, get out.
Alik. — Brother. (Shouted.) Brooother. If you don’t stop behaving like a capricious woman, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll eat your brains!
Sergey. (Stopped hitting himself. Frightened.) — What?
Alik. (Menacingly.) — I’ll eat your brain! Yes! I’l
