Onlayn kitobni bepul oʻqing: ta muallif  She loved autumn

Sardaana Kokolova

Contents

Kokolova Sardaana
She loved autumn

Introduction

“You are a nobody. An empty space. There is nothing around you. Why pretend to be a victim? You are pathetic. You are beyond pity. How could you bring yourself to such a state? Who needs you now? A nobody. Kill yourself. Don’t suffer. People like you are not noticed by anyone and your absence will not be noticed by anyone. It’s simple. Just go ahead and do it. Kill yourself.”

She replayed this monologue in her head hundreds of times. And each time she tried to convince herself to stop. As her psychologist taught her. Find a rational answer. A logical one. Not a simple denial. But a life-affirming definition.

In a dialogue with your subconscious, you cannot be disingenuous. Only with faith in the truth of convictions you can break the false self-importance beliefs and stop the destructive process.

Chapter 1

— Mom, can I go to the competition?

— For which competition?

— Our ensemble is participating in a competition. Let me go. I really want it. And I also want to become a choreographer.

— Who? Who put this into your head?

— I decided by myself.

Mom didn’t answer. She turned away and continued smoking in the kitchen. She looked out the window and thought about something for a long time. The daughter decided that it was better not to argue with her now and went into the room.

Year after year, she lived dancing from childhood and the desire to become a choreographer was something natural. A logical next step in life. After all, there was nothing in her life except the stage.

She stood outside before entering the building. Autumn. The sun was still gentle. And the wind reminded that the long winter was coming.

— Why didn’t you come to the rehearsal? You can’t miss it now. We’re getting ready for the contest, remember? Are you with us?

— I don’t know. Mom hasn’t answered yet. And you?

— Sure. It’s a chance to get out of the house. It’ll be fun.

— I’ve never traveled